Can i not drive my cunt home
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
