Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Randomize
