gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
