Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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