dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize