About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
