there's paper in my vomit.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she smelled like a LAN party
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You are a booty call, not a friend.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
