he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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