I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
