I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
