I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize