All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
