you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
