D3 body, D1 cock
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
