I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize