The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up under a house in Key West
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
