Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
