she was so not down for the gang bang
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
