I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
