Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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