According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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