Moan for me like Helen Keller
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
