I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
