About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
