he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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