god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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