worst night to have a conscience
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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