a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're too hungover to prance.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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