does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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