drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm passing your future prison.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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