At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
