the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
