After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
