She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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