Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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