Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
