If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
