I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
