I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
