if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
