A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
