I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
