dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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