at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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