Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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