if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
