Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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