Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
