this beer tastes like vomit already
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I want a musical about memes.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize