I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
