a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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