I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize