I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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