My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
