I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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