I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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