I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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