So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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