I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
