we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
