She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
