she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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