So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
