I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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