Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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