I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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