i barfeds in our rink
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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