The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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