Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
