I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize